I’m wondering if it would be OK for me to give you a call. I’m feeling like it might help give me some of the direction I need right now. It is strange (and frustrating) because at the same time I feel like I know what I need to do but still seem to need some guidance. I don’t want surgery.
It has been a bit of a journey for me and maybe it is better to write a few words about my background before we speak.
I first noticed a decline in my health long before I had any idea about the fibroid; It was over a decade ago when I was a competitive distance runner in college (I am from the States). The situation was borderline abusive and my mind and body didn’t do too well; I got out of it to “take care of myself”. But in the aftermath I think I felt awkward no longer being “the star” and instead of recovering I threw myself into a rigorous academic program that I vaguely knew I didn’t want to be in (the words “you’re on the wrong path frequently floated through my mind”). Not surprisingly my health - exhaustion and stress – became worse. By the end of college I looked quite literally like I had come out of a death camp: I was totally emaciated, veins throughout my body were distended and my nervous system felt like it was on overdrive. In those years I think the rewards of familial praise made it worth it.
Anyways, two years into that “wrong career” I decided to make some changes and returned to school. I realized on some level that I couldn’t trust my thoughts (like I realized I was removed from myself somehow ) and made a sort-of pact to listen to my body and live however and study whatever felt right for me. So a lot of my twenties was spent like that; now, at 31, I am already grateful for it – I mean really grateful. I studied things that really nurtured my soul (art history, painting and drawing, philosophy and literature). My (now husband) and I moved from the east coast to the west and became even more embracing of organic foods and small farms. We gardened and bicycled; my tastes in general evolved in a way that felt so much more like me! But at the same time it was very tumultuous period as I felt a lot of anger and anxiety. There was much tension in my body and I developed different health problems. In my mid to late twenties I started to free-write daily (to help with creativity) and it took a long time for me to realize that almost every single page dealt somehow with pain from and resentment towards my parents. For maybe a year I didnt really think about the trend – it was so difficult for me to admit the dysfunction in my family! I spoke to them almost everyday and would have said we had a perfect family (at least up to my mid-twenties – it was like I was incapable of being honest or gaining perspective about the truth of the situation) Anyways, once I started to be more open to it all it was like one shocking revelation after another. I felt more anger and I can’t say it felt clean and clarifying. It felt exhausting and alienating.
During this time (my late twenties) I met a homeopathist in Mexico who I happened to rent an apartment from, and she noticed some of my symptoms and took me under her wing a bit. She introduced me to the book Healing with Whole Foods and certain aspects of my health totally improved, but others remained the same. When I was 29 I found out about my fibroids (I had two – one pedunculated and another in the uterine wall) and it was a bit devastating. Despite certain improvements I sensed things were deeply wrong with my health. During this period my husband and I spent a few months at my parents before making a move to Europe and my health markedly worsened. It was a very painful yet clarifying experience. By the time we got to England I was so exhausted and felt so vulnerable it was difficult to walk down the street. I would get dizzy and it felt like I had no shield for the noise or people (it was like the emotions and physical tension of a person with an awkward physiognomy or pained expression would sink into me) Even if I was out on a walk in nature if I lost my footing a bit I would start perspiring. This was by far the worst time for me, but also a very propitious one because I discovered an article written by a renown American physician and Chinese Doctor describing all the medical problems I had experienced since college and related them to high level “over-exercise’. It was quite literally an answer to a prayer because for years I knew my health was deteriorating and that it was related to the experience with my coach but no doctors could ever give answers. Despite being technically retired (he is 84) he agreed to work with me and I moved from England to Florida and was treated by him and one of his colleagues for two months. This was the first time I explained the health issues I had been having to my family. When I went back to England I continued to be treated by a different colleague of his in London and continued to improve. But then, last month while visiting my parents for the holidays, I had a debilitating period (clots, pain – the first of its kind), and went to the hospital where the gyn informed me that the remaining fibroid has grown and he advises surgery. I DO NOT want surgery. I can’t help but wonder if there is a correlation between the bad period, fibroid growth and extended visit with my parents.
I haven’t gotten into the issues with my parents but I know that despite having become painfully aware of certain issues, I haven’t been able to let them go yet. I know I have thought about it – wanted to forgive and told myself of course I forgive, but how exactly does one make the step from conceptualizing forgiveness and realizing it? I can feel compassion for their suffering, fears and confusion, but at the same time I know I am not free from their pain; I still feel vulnerable and resentful and, well, fearful of them. Building my boundaries is an issue and I don’t think I can feel safe around them until I am fully shielded. Another thing is that beyond forgiveness I sense that becoming “fully shielded” really hinges on my doing the type of work I believe I am meant to do which hasn’t been so easy in ways. I believe this ( creativity that hasn’t been able to be expressed) is also directly connected to my fibroid.
I almost cannot believe I just wrote two and one-half pages about all this. so much for a few words! I really hope it isn’t too much.
Thank you for sharing with me. What an amazing woman you are, congratulations on finding your way through and undertaking so much of your own healing.
Having read your letter my first thoughts are that you are struggling and trying so hard to take care of everything. What I would like you to do is to relax and start trusting yourself and the process of life. If you were coming to me I would be working with your sub-conscious and getting your brain out of the way. You are a very intelligent woman and sometimes our intellect can get in the way of our healing, searching for answers and rationalising things so that we “get it” intellectually but the changes do not take place at the heart level. The anxiety and stress causes our health to deteriorate and the body cannot heal under such conditions (take a look at my own story and guidelines).
My advice to you is to get to a workshop as soon as you can or work with a Louise Hay teacher or similar in your area so that you can dump the “bad stuff”, rid yourself of the fear and anxiety, the anger and resentment. Once you get to a loving place of the heart all the other things fall into place and the healing happens quite naturally without you having to work at it. You will also naturally develop your boundaries and people around you will change.
Since receiving this letter and answering it I have now produced a “Cure Your Fibroids Naturally” eBook.